g-chat one line at a time. (fin)

at: harvey lesterson was
wy: your mother's
at: worst
wy: postmaster general
at: . Frankly, I hate your
wy: bean and cheese
at: harpsichord, but I enjoy
wy: frolicing with
at: retard
wy: plutonian scientific
at: notations.

untitled (fin)

at: Personally, I am opposed to
lp: middle-aged men wearing chaps. They make me
at: slightly horny, but
lp: I refrain from asking for their phone numbers. Instead
at: I typically assault them with carpet swatches,
lp: legos, kool aid packets, whiffle ball bats,
at: and most importantly, African Swallows. Beanie Weinies
lp: is a Kosher form of Beanie Weenies.
at: Crack-head mongoloids smell like
lp: teriyaki malt liquor. They mix their crack with
at: their daily dose of heavily medicated applesauce,
lp: and because applesauce is too grainy to shoot up, they
at: save up enough throughout the week to fill a bathtub. The process is called
lp: "Mottsynthesis." They know the sauce is good when
at: babies
lp: steep
at: wildly
lp: from
at: rapturous
lp: dick
at: inhalation. Cumquats
lp: never
at: cease
lp: finding
at: sources
lp: of
at: nicotine
lp: dicks.
at: Every
lp: time
at: you
lp: think
at: "DICK,"
lp: an angel
at: gets
lp: a woody.
at: Pain-free
lp: hair removal
at: is
lp: not
at: flattering
lp: on
at: reptiles,
lp: andrew's mom,
at: Lisa's back,
lp: or Andrew's
at: liver.
lp: Finger smellers
at: frequently
lp: eat
at: gloves
lp: dipped in
at: fart-flavored
lp: icecream.

untitled (fin)

at: Horace Appleseed was a man with
lp: a deep affinity for fine wine, foreign movies, and belting out selections from the "Newsies" soundtrack at inappropriate times. Horace Appleseed was a man with no self-awareness, you see. When he was just six
at: Horace went on an African safari dressed like a Zebra. At age 8, he
lp: humped a Zebra while dressed like an African Swami. At 10,
at: he left Africa and went to Sweden to study Yoruba culture. Horace was an idiot. But he had a passion for culture and he wasn't about to let his poorly functioning brain get in the way...until he met Harriet Flabbenstein. Standing a mere 4'3", Harriet
lp: was the world's most shrunken shrink. Employed by Horace's mother, Harriet and her associate Dr. Yuri VonKjdfjasiodfojrfnodsfnudapfelstreusel, the world's third leading analyst/therapist-- analrapist, if you will-- undertook a 5 year long psycho-analraping session with young Horace. During this time, they
at: surprisingly fell in love. Very rarely does a man enter an analrapy session and come out in love, but Horace was different. Previously he had devoted little time to self anal. He was too busy trying to soak up culture to anlarap himself at night. but when Harriet came along she gave him all the analrapy he could handle. She expanded Harold's colonized brain, and showed him tenderness that he had never known. As for why Harriet fell in love with Horace, that's a little trickier. You see, she had recently
lp: been cured of a lifelong penis phobia that began when
at: she watched Boogie Nights.

heroines on heroin.

at: Did you know that Wonderwoman was a smackhead? I knew that she had dabbled in other debaucheries such as
wy: Quiet games of chess with the elderly and teaching "Napalm and Your Genitals 101" down at the local
at: bean-bag plant, but she never struck me as a drug user. She did, however, strike me in the face. Like a freight train with an arm strength similar to Tom Brady, she once threw a bag of

hotdogs and applesauce.

at: Culinary students from across the world gathered in Mexico today to discuss
wy: the growing need to export giant, edible ant-larvae found while harvesting rubies in the darkest
at: of men. "Multi-tasking is the future of cooking!" shouted a Canadian who had recently been published for her findings on maple syrup's ability to shear lambswool. A Cajun-born of colleague raised his claw and added, "

lessons from the couch. (fin)

j. hendrix, z. cadwalader, a. tolentino
dallas, tx (same apartment, same couch)
VULGARITY LEVEL: 0/10
DRUNKOMETER: (Varies) 6/10 - 11/10

at: 9 out of 10 weather forecasters predicted
jh: the rapture. And they were right. THE END.
zc: but we are left on this planet because of all those God forsaken Jesus jokes
at: . Although I'm not a fan of apology, I'm writing this letter to God as a plea to join a "winning team."
Dear God,
jh: I can't do this. So long and thanks for all the cancer.
zc: and by "i can't do this. so long and thanks for all the cancer.", i mean jon is a dick.
at: And by "jon is a dick," i mean WWJD. By "WWJD," I mean, "What (Would I do) Without Jon's (sarcastic) Derision.?" Frankly, I don't know the answer to this question. Thankfully, though, on a count of the multiple personality disorder, I am okay with whatever I purchase.
jh: (this was tricky...PLEASE DELETE THIS!)
zc: (BUT NOT THIS)
at: .

Untitled (fin)

j. hendrix and a. tolentino
dallas, tx (same apartment, same couch)
VULGARITY LEVEL: 9/10
DRUNKOMETER: (Varies) 3/10 - 6/10

jh: The sound congregated some distance away from where we stood
at: .
jh: K
at: eruplunk. Kerplunk. Kerplunk. Robins, pidgeons, and doves dropped like cats and dogs from the sky into the ocean.
jh: For some reason I did not first seek an explanation for this migratory anomaly; as far as i know, robins, pidgeons, and doves are not sea-faring birds. My first thought, though not scientific was certainly poignant. I thought
at: about how I should incorporate foul words with fowl (birds). Engaged in a game of obscene birdy wordplay, I threw out such names as the COCKatu,
jh: roBENDER,
at: kingFISTER,
jh: peliCUNT,
at: flamminGUS
jh: pidJOHNSON
at: phoeniXXX
jh: peaCOCK
at: CUMmingbird
jh: COCK (see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rooster)
at: , and the bald KEGEL. (see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kegel_exercise)
jh: Some time then elapsed, and i thought
jh: SWALLOW!
at: "God damn this multiple personality disorder!" I said to myselves. "I wish I could just
jh: I'm so tired of hearing about his wishes
at: . What's that mate? His dishes?
jh:
lp: Penisguin. Count it.

benny the barber.

j. hendrix and a. tolentino
dallas, tx (same apartment, same couch)
VULGARITY LEVEL: 1/10
DRUNKOMETER: 2/10

at: benny the barber was opposed to
jh: those sensations of sheer apathy that arise after an exquisitely crafted chili-bowl
at: but generally, like any whiskey drinking, cigarette smokin' man, he was pleased to do his job.
jh: Despite the intimidating, martial echo of his brown leather cowboy boots ("shit-kickers", as one with a different narrative voice might describe them) resounding like a
at: flatulent asthmatic banshee,
Jh: patrons of Nutty Jack Cutty's Custom Crown Haircuts found themselves more than merely comforted by benny's suprisingly smooth and warm hands on their heads, in fact they were even
at: inspired to rekindle the flame with ex-girlfriends, childhood friends, Jesus and other lost causes with his gentle touch.

larry the gnome.

l. parker, a. tolentino
dallas, tx / denton, tx (living room / )

at: larry the gnome was
lp: celebrating his allergies by taking a pleasant stroll through the forest on a Red Level Pollen Alert day. Suddenly,
at: a Claritin fairy appeared, but was immediately eaten by a bear. Larry could barely breathe. His nasal passage was as clogged as
lp: Marlon Brando's aorta. But Larry was a proud gnome and he knew he hadn't lived 683 years to be taken out by some measly microspore. Pumping his gnarled fists at the sky, Larry dared God, shouting

at: through his congestion, "YOU CAND'T STANDD IN MBY WAY ANDY LONGER! I'MB GOING DTO END ITD ALL!" Though God had given Larry a handicap, (s)he made the mistake of trusting him with a red button that read, "Push Here to End it All." Trembling with fear and rage, Larry reached inside his breast-pocket for the kill-switch...but it wasn't there.

lp: As Larry desperately rummaged through his neon NKOTB fanny pack, Stellone the Jewish Hobgoblin emerged from behind some nearby shrubbery. "Shalom!" said Stellone to the Gnome.